I’d been trying to integrate those things into my living and writing lately. I’ve always been more Lazy, Intuitive, and Chaotic. Never a plan, certainly not a regimen or schedule. Not disciplined, certainly, but I always seemed to make it work.
But I thought I could improve that…thoughts of graduating and real world made me think to improve. Join the ranks…
But that was a mistake. Thoughts of “real world” and realistic scenarios have never gotten me the things I’ve wanted. But a little discipline and scheduling…that should have made things better, should have made me more responsible. But it didn’t work. I haven’t gotten anything more done (maybe even less). I’ve been freezing up, less flexible, creativity stagnating. Hell, even my recent improv acting felt stiff.
I don’t recommend this…but I’m throwing out the whole discipline/planning shtick (I’m sure it works for more steadier souls than I).
The old way…no plan, all intuitive, worked. It shouldn’t have worked. It made me a little crazy, sometimes, juggling it all – it made me a little absent minded – it made all practical aspects of my life suffer (late credit card payments, late sending portfolios to Grad schools, not studying for the GRE, etc.) – and yet, I’d come out red eyed but happy on the other side (credit still somehow at 0%, in a fine writing program, with GOOD scores on my GRE, thank you very much).
God, I used to be so much more fluid!
Flowing lazily…but quickly when I needed to. Obstacles were just challenges and challenges were laughable and laughter needed no other motivation than to be uttered, long and loud. Problems used to just roll off of me, like water drops on a kick ass, waterproof, cashmere long coat (this thing is awesome, you can poor a whole cup of water on it and it doesn’t soak in…they even demonstrated at the store).
Lately, problems have been hitting me like bricks and I don’t have any give, I just crack, and viscous stuff flows out.
I’m not sure what my malfunction for scheduled discipline was. Maybe it’s that once you plan your days, you map out your weeks and months, and then years become dots on a time line and you can see death in the distance and NeverNeverLand disappears in the rear view mirror.
When you live moment to moment, in the now, the days are long and the nights are endless…