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Joshua Alan Doetsch

~ Author & Scrivnomancer

Joshua Alan Doetsch

Monthly Archives: September 2007

I had a clever metaphor but I clutched it too tightly and it died

20 Thursday Sep 2007

Posted by scrivnomancer in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

medieval times, real world, white hen


Real World:  OK Joshua, your education is all done.

Josh:  Really?  Whoohoo!  What do I win?

Real World:  Well, you get $100,000+ of debt and menial work completely unrelated to your degree.

Josh:  But…but the degree is the reason I owe so much.

Real World:  Them’s the breaks kid.

Josh:  Damn…

Real World:  OK.  ‘Nuff talk.  Back in line.

Josh:  It’s so long…where does this one end?

Real World:  Late retirement.

Josh:  Fuck.

Argh!

There are so many stresses and traumas that can completely floor other people (that I’ve observed)…but have little affect on me.  Certain things that cause rage or despair or depression or that eats away at self-esteem and sanity . . . and most of these things roll off me like rain drops.  I am impermeable.

But you take everyday, ordinary banality…and I have no defense, I dry right up into a husk—keel over like the aliens exposed to the common cold at the end of War of the Worlds (and I don’t even get Orson Welles to narrate it . . . well . . . sometimes I do, if I close my eyes and imagine).  All my Quixotic manias dry up and I’m left feeling hollow and useless.  Not even a week into my White Hen job and I feel it.  Broken down…I owe about $1,200 a month in minimum payments . . . and working full time I make…well…pretty much that—nothing left for gas or savings or anything else.  So thoughts of living on my own or getting on with a real career seem pretty distant…maybe when I’m in my late 30’s I can get an apartment…maybe in my 40’s I could date again…

And, running under the gun of monthly payments…I’m not so sure I have the time to do the professional things I want to do, or take the creative-crazy steps to get out of this.  When was the last time I really wrote something?  Ugh…too long.  And to top it all off, with a rancid cherry, I know that plenty of other people have to do the grind (my Dad included) and work hard so I can’t even get the satisfaction of really, really whining about this in a dramatic fashion without feeling selfish and silly.  In fact, I’m only going to allow myself three paragraphs . . . which I’ve pretty much used up.

Ah well…Fall is here and that feels good and I feel that if I could only put on a silly rubber mask and play in a giant pile of leaves I might get back something of my old self.

I miss getting regular, in-depth time with my close friends.  I see people…but on a scattered basis these days.  I want to go running with Torrie every day and hang out and play Mario Cart.  I want to have rehearsals with Rich Funk every weekday.  I want…ok…I was going to make a whole list of all of you and some activity I like doing with all of you…but there are a lot of you and I hope you forgive me if I end here (in the interest of getting to bed…this 3rd shift monkey is tired).  I want to go on an IGA run or a late night outing (minus Central IL cops freaking out and searching me for weapons…but at this point, I’d accept that as the price).

On to happier things.  The MEDIEVAL TIMES AUDITION…a lot of people asked me about it.  It went well…I think.  Hard to tell.  It was very quick…but didn’t feel dismissive.  I was a little nervous (I haven’t had a real audition in a while).  But we’ll see.  I tried out for the King and for the MC positions (the MC being the witty, right-hand man of the king and host of the show). They said they’ll hold call backs next week and those they call will actually get microphone and run the lines in the main space.  I have to say, it was cool to go for an audition/interview in a castle and even cooler to hear, “We’ll do the audition in Hall of Arms.”  Also, my little sis tried out for a princess/maiden role as well.  Good luck…to us 🙂

Oh.  The sun is up.  I have to go hang upside-down in my closet now . . .

in need of swag

15 Saturday Sep 2007

Posted by scrivnomancer in Uncategorized

≈ 22 Comments

Tags

autumn, medieval times, white hen

Just a few quick points:

-I discovered a pile of text messages today.  I can’t answer them.  My phone can receive text messages, but it can’t send them.  I’ll try to reply to those of you who texted me in other ways.

-I received a request, regarding MY LAST POST, to not have other people give me a kenning version of their names, but to myself give people some kenning namings.  Sounds like fun.  If you want a kenning, let me know.  I can’t promise I’ll get to all of them….but then I just might.

-This week I started my new night shift job at White Hen.  You learn a bit about your local community when working at the local convenience store.  The people there are pretty cool and it’s not all that bad . . . but it does make me yearn for a job that actually uses some of the things I incurred so much debt “learning.”  That being said…

-A few days ago I sent in my headshots and resume to Medieval Times as they were looking to fill a number of positions.  I today got a phone message from a guy over there, saying he was looking at my headshots/resume at that moment and wants me to go in on Wednesday to audition for the MC/King.  I’ll start practicing pulling swords from stones right now.  Wish me luck.

-No new word on the novel yet.  My editor, James Lowder, is still waiting for word from White Wolf on the latest iteration of the revised outline…once we get notes back on that, we’ll make final changes and then start working on the next draft…and then the exciting dates and deadlines will start falling.

-Speaking of falling…I’m excited at the change of autumn hitting.  It makes fires in the iron pit in the back yard fun, the rum dipped cigarillos better, and coffee tastier…

-I need a sugar mamma.  Maybe I should put out and ad—gives great back rubs, will travel.

-Barring that, I need a rich patron…whatever happened to the patron system!  Aren’t there eccentric rich folk out there…just a hair more creative than all the vapid heirs and heiresses fluttering about, who’d like to one-up their fellows by getting something a little more interesting than a ANOTHER house or car . . . a court poet…now THAT is power.  I’ll even wear motley.

Jingle-jingle!

By the Pricking of My Thumb . . .

12 Wednesday Sep 2007

Posted by scrivnomancer in Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

beowulf, cafe aeon, iron man, kenning, laboratory, ray bradbury, scrivener, uis

Laboratory Blues

Bubble, bubble—I’d wish for a little less toil and a lot less trouble . . .

But all in all and my laboratory is back in working order.  The flesh and limbs and mortal clay are all back on their shelves and in their jars and viscera soups.  My tools are each in their place, shining and humming and sparking.  And I think I’m ready to get back to work on the quivering thing on the vivisection table.

Yes, I’ve made the transition from my dying PC to a brand new MAC.   I just barely got out alive too . . . as on my last trip back to my ailing computer, to get the last little bit of data to transfer, and it would not start.  Now it is dead.  But we discovered it was a registered organ doner and some of its innards now reside in my brother’s computer.

I’m mostly acclimated to the i-mac now and mostly like it.

Best of all, I just bought an awesome new bit of creative writing software . . . it’s called SCRIVENER.  Check it out.  It deserves it’s own blog entry…at a later date.

I’m a Brilliant Future

Looks like I’m a Brilliant Future.  Go ahead.  Give it a click.  See.  Growing up, I was a poor gang banger from the projects . . . but someone gave me a chance—and look at me now!

Te-he . . . I am flattered that they thought of me (though a much better picture of me is summoned up if you click the link at the bottom of that page).

Also, I’ve been emailed some interview questions for an article on me that will appear in the UIS development magazine (name still pending).

Representing hard for the UIS yo!

AEON

Black envelopes marked in colored ink get my attention.

I just got an invite to an invite only event at my favorite café, CAFÉ AEON, and I’m quite excited.  They have a new website to boot.


Something Wicked . . .

I can feel the shift in season, the trip wire is tripped, by the trip-trap of autumn.  Memories like the smell of cider, pumpkin pie, and the sticky-sweat seal of a rubber mask are the phantom limb itch in my head.  So, I knew it was the right time to start listening to the audio recording of Ray Bradbury’s Something Wicked This Way Comes.  Ray knows autumn better than anyone.  He knows why monsters under the bed are important to child development.  I had a water bed growing up—no spaced underneath, no room for anything to hide.  Incidentally, my college writing teacher/mentor, Nancy Perkins, is convinced that, that is the reason I write what I write . . . to make up for lost time.

Of Comic Books and Kenning

For you comic fans, check out the trailer for IRON MAN.

For you epic literature fans, check out the rated R trailer for the new BEOWULF movie.

I can’t wait.  I especially like the part where Beowulf is spouting off his descriptive nick names:  “I am ripper, tearer, slasher.  I am the teeth in the darkness!”  That sort of comic book/hero contrivance where they say “I am the shadow in the night,” or some such—it’s actually from the ancient tradition of epics and mythology, the magic of formulaic naming disciplines like kenning and epithets.

There are different types in different cultures…but they all come down to giving clever nick names for a person, place, or thing.  You could just take an appropriate verb and turn it into a noun to describe something—Beowulf is “Ripper!”

Or maybe a deed becomes the name of the person—“I am Cyclops Slayer!”

Or maybe you get a little more poetic—“I am the teeth in the darkness.”

And sometimes these become set formulas for referring to famous figures…like in mythology.  Gods get many different names…or different descriptors attached to that name…and sometimes you use one so that your reader/listener knows what aspect of the god you refer to.  You might call Odin, “Gallows god” or “Glad-of-War.”  You might call Loki, “Wolf Father” or “Sky Strider.”

Kenning gets really formulaic.  It’s a system of putting two or more words together to give them a combined meaning that neither word had before—for example—one of my favorite is “bait-gallows” which means “hook.”

But then kenning gets even cooler and more deceptively complex—because you can layer it.  Let’s say a pirate strides up to me, and like some ancient, Norse poem spinner, I want to call him by kenning rather than his usual name.  I might call him “Hook-Wrist.”  And that might catch on (because kenning is simple and descriptive and it catches on just like nick names in high school)…

…but if I am a master kenning slinger, I might layer the kenning.  I can take those two words and use kenning on each of them (and we go to four words).  For example, the kenning for hook (as we said) is “bait-gallows.”  The kenning for wrist is “wolf’s-joint” (this is an allusion to the Norse myth where the god Tyr’s hand is bitten off by the demon wolf Fenrir).

So now the pirate’s kenning name becomes “Bait-Gallows-Wolf’s-Joint.”  Someone who knows their kenning could break that down and know that I’m really saying “Hook-Wrist” and deduce that the pirate I’m talking about has a hook for a hand.  But even if not…it’s a fucking cool name.  It’s a conversation starter.  The pirate, let’s say his real name is Bob, would probably thank me for the bit of poetry I’ve blessed him with.

On that same line, I might be a Viking who finds himself lost in Egypt (worm-holes can happen to anyone) and I see the crazy hooked swords of the ancient middle east ( the kopesh).  Seeing these strange, sickle shaped swords, I might call them “Hook-Sword”…or “Bait-Gallows-Blood-Worm” (“blood-worm” means “sword”).

And this takes us to the ultimate conclusion of this post . . .

Who wants to join me and start a band called Bait-Gallows-Blood-Worm?

And finally, A CHALLENGE TO THE READER:  I’m curious what someone might use as kenning to refer to themself…click on the above links, read up on it, and then reply to this post with your own kennings.  If anyone replies, I’ll join in the fun too.

Parting Wisdom

Give a cannibal a severed arm, and you feed him for a day.

Give a cannibal a cleaver, and you feed him for life.

I was a strange little seed…

06 Thursday Sep 2007

Posted by scrivnomancer in Uncategorized

≈ 12 Comments

Tags

autumn, pumpkins


When I was a boy, watching Charlie Brown cartoons didn’t make me want to go to the pumpkin patch to find The Great Pumpkin…
I wanted to BECOME The Great Pumpkin.
And still, someday, when I grow up,
I’d like to be Lord of the Patch,
and breathe fire
and cinnamon,
and ghost stories.

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