I generally avoid these things like the plague. . . but I do about one a year and it’s been more like two . . . so . . .

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

I sleep with the closet doors shut, while hanging upside-down during the day…thinking of you.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?

Is that a philosophical question?

3. Have you ever ‘done it’ in a hotel room?

No I have never had sexual intercourse with Cousin It at a hotel?  I am offended by this line of questioning.  God!  Could you imagine all the hair slivers and . . .

I . . .

 . . . what?

. . . oh . . . OH.

I see.  A colloquialism.

How embarrassing.  In that case, my answer is yes, yes I have.

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

Yes, but only because it was making fun of the slow child on the block.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?

I have virtual post-it notes on my computer.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

No I use coupons but never cut them.  I throw full sized, Sunday edition newspapers at the heads of cashiers in the check out line, yelling, “Coupon!”

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

I’d rather be attacked by a giant bear who was composed of many bees.  I would tame him, name him Stabby-Face, and we would run off and be the best of friends and there would be folk songs about our adventures.

“Gonna tell ya a story
‘bout a boy and a bear
a boy and his bear
a boy and his bear
Jo-oshua and Stabby-Face
Stabby-Face
the magic bear made of bees
sure as you please
he’s made of bees
made of bees”

8. Do you have glasses?

No.

9. Do you always smile for pictures?

I make a charmingly odd assortment of faces for pictures, relying primarily on the power of my devastatingly expressive eyebrows.  They’re good eyebrows.  Seriously.  If you have sex with one eyebrow this holiday season, make it one of mine.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?

Frivolous, selfish bulletins clogging up my day.

Fuck!

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

The sheets always fall from the cruel grip of my talons in the closet (see question #1)

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

What of it?  Huh?  You tell me a better way of stepping the square root of the number that quiets the voices in my head and I’ll fucking stop.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?

Yes.  Once upon a time I was a boy scout.  Being a boy scout means responsibility…and early in life I learned that responsibility basically translates to memorizing long oaths and a peeing in the woods.

14. Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?

I have a huge imagination.  HUGE.  If my imagination were breasts I . . . I . . .

. . . sorry . . . lost of my train of thought, thinking of breasts that large . . .

In any case, if I start dancing, trust me, there will be music playing.  For me.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?

Yes.  Very often.  Freud and I once got into a discussion about that and I had to punch him out.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?

Just me and my dreams, man.

17. What size is your bed?

Fuck’sake asshole.  Just had to twist the knife on the fact that I’m sleeping alone these days, didn’t you?

18. What is your “Song of the week”?

I don’t know.  My thoughts are too fickle and my tastes too eclectic to say.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?

Sure.  I won’t.  But sure.

20. Do you still watch cartoons?

Absolutely.  Guys that sleep alone watch cartoons.

21. What’s your least favorite movie?

Tough one.  Some movies are so bad that they’re endearing (Plan 9 From Outer Space).

If pushed, I’d have to say Andy Warhol’s Dracula.  It’s bad, but in no way endearing.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

I’d hide it on Herpe-Harlot Isle.  “That’s not an Aztec curse on ye gold . . . but it be about as bad. Yar.”

23. What do you drink with dinner?

Water.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

You’re mama!  Zing!!!

Sorry.  Couldn’t help it.  Seriously though…

Sweet n’ Sour sauce (or honey BBQ).

25. What is your favorite food/ cuisine?

Those little orange and brown wrapped candies that bitter old people hand out during Halloween but no one eats.  I believe the bitter elderly put all of their spent life into those putrid candies and that if you eat one, you surrender your youth to them . . . and I plant them in my backyard with dreams that a scary, malevolent tree will rise from the ground to do my bidding.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

The Crow, Dark City, Wolf, Grosse Point Blank, Nightmare Before Christmas . . .

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?

Not sure I recall . . . and I don’t mean in the cool, cheeky, promiscuous “I can’t remember” kind of a way…but more of the “I’m straining my brain to recall” variety.

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

Yes.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

I’d certainly be willing to be the photographer.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

I think it was to my teacher/mentor, Nancy Perkins.  When I take the time to write a letter, I make sure to put a wax seal on the envelope.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?

No.  Not in this state.  Not since…the incident.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?

Many.  Central IL cops think I’m some sort of criminal.  I often get searched for weapons on routine stops down there…probably because I dress like the neighborhood watch sign.  They never understand that people who are actually up to no good don’t wear black fedoras (they probably think I have large bags with $$$ on them).

33.Ever ran out of gas?

Once.  But there was an abandoned mansion just up the road . . .

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?:

Roast Beef Pannini (with tomato and cream cheese)

35 Best thing to eat for breakfast?

I work the 3rd shift now.  This question vexes me.

36. What is your usual bedtime?

My guess is that if I was analyzed, I’d be prognosed with a number of sleep disorders.  My sleep times are anything but usual.  I’m nocturnally wired.  And my biorhythms are too sharp and powerful for me to have any control of them.

37. Are you lazy?

By nature.  But I also care and have ambition…so I’m sometimes at war with my nature.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?

Many, many things…pirates, swamp monsters, vampires, Silent Bob (my brother was Jay), Dr. Gonzo (my brother was Hunter Thompson), Spy vs. Spy (my brother was the white spy and I was the black), and many others besides.  I trick or treated right up to and including being and undergrad in college.

39. What is your Chinese astrological sign?

Godzilla…no…that’s Japanese…fuck…well that degrades any illusions of wit I might have had writing up this asinine questionnaire.

40. How many languages can you speak?

One.

I know dirty phrases in Japanese and I can say “Go to Hell” (and a few other words/phrases in Ancient Greek).

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

No.  I do get a Fright Catalog sent to me every once in a while.

42. Which are better: legos or lincoln logs?

Legos.  Easy.  Whole worlds and stratospheres of possibility locked into those little blocks.

43. Are you stubborn?

No, I flow like water.

44. Who is better…Leno or Letterman?

Svenghouli!

45. Ever watch soap operas?

Nope.  If I want that I can read a stranger’s blog.

46. Afraid of heights?

No.  I’m rather fond of heights actually.

47. Sing in the car?

Yes.  A lot.  And in the time in between getting into my car and exiting, I’m totally convinced I have a career in music…but never before or after that.

48. Dance in the shower?

How’d you know?  You silly voyer.

49. Dance in the car?

Yeah.

50. Ever used a gun?

Yes.  I went to a firing range once.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

Probably at a wedding.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

For the most part.  Yes.  It’s a ridiculous conceit.  I think it only really works with a discordant theme or story.  Twisted/dark stories work for musicals…it takes the ridiculousness from annoying to delightfully absurd.

53. Is Christmas stressful?

No.  Holidays are silly things to stress over.

54. Ever eat a pirogie?

What is that?  A species of hobgoblin?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

Pumpkin!  Yugoslavian Gypsies believed that pumpkins left out to rot for too long turn into vampires.  By eating pumpkin pie, you are, in effect, eating monsters in embryo.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

Paleontologist.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

Not really.  But I also believe that the ghosts don’t care what I believe.  Paradoxes run in my head like reels of scary silent films accompanied to organ music played by winged monkeys . . .

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Yes.  Intensely a few times.

59. Take a vitamin daily?

Semi-daily.

60. Wear slippers?

If it’s really cold.  Otherwise my feet like to breath.  Sometimes…they have bad breath 😦

61. Wear a bath robe?

Yes.  Often.

62. What do you wear to bed?

An authentic Spider Man costume from the movie…if I could get one.

63. First concert?

Jimmy Buffett.  I saw my first pair of flashed breasts at a Jimmy B concert.  I was never the same.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?

Spencer’s.

65. Nike or Adidas?

Moon Boots

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?

Pizza.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Peanuts

68. Ever hear of, “gorp”?

If you refer to the world devouring, pseudopoded, ichor filed, world devouring horror, who leaves a trail of slime and dead stars in his primordial wake, terror that his GORP.  Then yes.

69. Ever take dance lessons?

A little swing dancing.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

Singer.  I’d like to date a singer.  Or an international spy.  Scully…agent Scully—that’d work too.

71. Can you curl your tongue?

‘oo ‘eeang linek ‘his?

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

Oh you .  . . how adorably naïve of you to ask.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

No . . . I growl when I’m happy . . . and wag my tail when I’m angry—therefore, I’m mad.  

74. Own any record albums?

No.  I’m mostly digital these days.

75. Own a record player?

Do you speak of the phonograph?

76. Regularly burn incense?

Used to.  But I have a snake in my room and they have easily damaged lungs.  So now I don’t.

77. Ever been in love?

yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

NIN

79. What was the last concert you saw?

Not sure…but I just got off of 3rd shift and my memory tends go about then.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

Coffee…and I like my coffee like I like my women: bitter and murky.

No-no…I like my coffee black as night and sweet as sin.

No.  Actually I like my coffee with gobs of cream and sugar . . . but I don’t know a cool way to say that.

81.Tea or coffee?

See that questionnaire . . . I’m always two steps ahead of you.  Ha-ha!  If you were a police detective and I were a serial killer, you’d just be opening a box to find Gwyneth Paltrow’s head inside.

82. Sugar or snickerdoodles?

Brown sugar.

83. Can you swim well?

I’ve always been a strong swimmer.

84. Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?

Yes.

85. Are you patient?

Yes.  But too a fault.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

I’ve never been to one with a band.  I’d like to try that.

87. Ever won a contest?

Yep.  I won $400 in a costume contest as Jay and Silent Bob (with my bro).  I also won a novel contest . . . check out Strangeness in the Proportion in your book stores coming soon.  Literacy is an important issue kids.  The more of our population that can read, the bigger my demographic.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

No.

89. Which are better black or green olives?

Black.

90.Can you knit or crochet?

I have no practical skills.

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Living room…bedroom would be pretty sweet too.

92. Do you want to get married?

Maybe some day.  

93. If married, how long have you been married?

OK…you’re starting to get pushy on this subject.

94. Who was your HS crush?

I had many.  I had a high crush capacity.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?

No, I’m pretty stoic.

96. Do you have kids?

Yes.  There are 11 of them in my trunk.

97. Do you want kids?

The trunk is at capacity.

98. Whats your favorite color?

…..

…..

….purple.

You thought I was going to say black!  Ha.  I’m not so predictable.  And what’s wrong with purple.  It’s perfectly manly.  It’s a royal color.  It’s the Joker’s color.  It’s the voodoo god of sex and death’s color.  It’s Samuel “motha-fucka” Jackson’s favorite color.  It’s what black would be if it was brighter.  Let’s not let one freakish telatubbie ruin a good color for a whole gender!

99. Do you miss anyone right now?

Yes

100. Who do you wanna see right now?

Fall is here and I haven’t gotten to hang out with Torrie yet.

Or Agent Scully.