I have been in Norway for about a year now, writing dialogue for the Age of Conan computer game. Now, it seems, my pen will take me to Canada as Funcom has offered me a continuing gig at their new game studio in Montreal. I’ll likely start there in August—with a trip home to Chicagoland first.

I have ordered French language learning software.

I have purchased a Molskine Montreal city book.

I’m reading this BLOG.

I’m trying to convince Odin that it’s nothing personal.

I went to a heavy metal bar last night, which seems a fitting thing to do while I’m in Scandinavia. This last sentence doesn’t necessarily fit in with its fellows above, except that it happens to come to mind.

Oliver, a fellow Funcom employee—whom I’ve learned to keep my notepad and pen at the ready around, as he inevitably says things like, “Get away from me with your eyes,” and, “I have a theory that you can brew wine from dead flies,” and, “Don’t bum your dad for an orange!”—has offered to show me around England during my vacation, which I may do for a week, before heading home.

I’ll have pen and pad at the ready.

My Friend Ken: Micro-Biographies Of Genuine Imitation Truth
So, I’ve known Ken since 3rd grade. The older you get, the more important it is to know people who knew you in 3rd grade. Ken made a call for short, humorous bios, to be used while he seeks funding and support and personnel for an independent film he’s piecing together.

I offered the following smorgasbord for him to choose from. I have known Ken for decades and can say that each of these bios is 100% true—they are so true, in point of fact, that each is more true than the last (no matter which order you read them in).

Bio 1
Ken Gallivan was sent back in time to stop Judgement Day—the day hyper-evolved pancakes attain self-awareness and turn on their masters. He can only do  this by making an independent movie. Please, help Ken help you to prevent the Pancake Apocalypse from ever occurring.

Bio 2
Ken Gallivan makes independent films by day, but by night, he fights crime as the Incredible Carlos. His film career funds his gadgets and the preternatural mustache he can only reveal when he sheds his every day disguise—the very mustache that is the line between harmonious order and heinous, criminal anarchy. Please support Ken’s film career. The life you save could be your own.

Bio 3
If you watch just one film made by a dude named Ken Gallivan, this year, make it this one.

Bio 4
Ken Gallivan was raised by wolves. Please support this film.

Bio 5
Ken Gallivan was created by top Scandinavian geneticists in a secret lab under a mile of ice in Antarctica, in a secret project known only as Black Cabbage. He was designed, honed, and perfected to do only two things: make independent films…and slaughter kittens. Pleas support his film career.

Bio 6
Ken Gallivan is a prime number. Please support this film.

Bio 7
Ken Gallivan is a Time Lord. If he is not able to complete this film, he will be unable to acquire the parts to fix his TARDIS and travel to the past to impregnate your mother, and then you will cease to exist.

Bio 8
Once upon a time, Ken Galivan befriended a savage lion by removing a thorn from the beast’s paw. And if you do not support this film, that lion will fucking eat you.

Bio 9
Ken Galivan is handsome and has a rapist’s wit. Please support this film.

Bio 10
Ken Gallivan is the name of Joy in the hearts and minds of all children. His passing brings peace and the gentle scent of cinnamon. The bears of the north woods call him “forever friend” in their ancient tongue. And though the crocodile lords of the south hate him, dammit, they respect him. Please support this film.

Bio 11
In the time it took you to give blood today, you could have seen Ken Gallivan’s movie. Twice.