Esteemed ladies and gentlemen of the scientific community – tonight it is my pleasure to present to you the findings in an experiment of hidden magnitude. Since mankind crawled from the primordial ooze and looked up defiantly at the tyrannous stars above, the abyss of sky has only offered us questions. But our work answers those questions-as numerous-as-stars. Maybe they will never all be answered, but we can only continue on the journey of discovery, hope that each experiment, each finding, each truth, throws a tiny match, a Promethean flame into the dark chasm of ignorance.

Tonight I present just one more truth.

Women in fedoras are HOT.

This appears to be, not a random trend, but rule, dictated by physics as steadily and unwavering as gravity itself. The proof is there. Observe my field recordings (chart A, B, and C). Feast your input hungry eyes on these tables of empirical data:




I think you will agree that the proof is most complete. However, this is still a theory and not a law of science. Every study has its limitations, this one included, and should someone further this study with their own experiment, they would do well to add variable subjects in the form of women who are not hot to begin with, and thus add the fedora and see the effects (I unfortunately had no such subjects available to me on the night in the field.).

Thank you and goodnight!

This study brought to you by

THE BROTHERS DOETSCH FOUNDATION: exploring the science of hot women

That’s right, the Doetsch brothers, the face of rational science in the new millennium.