Tired of all of those surveys made by High School kids?

‘Have you ever kissed someone?’
‘missed someone?’
‘told someone you love them?’
‘drank alcohol?’

Here are some questions for some people who are a little more mature… ok old folks like us……

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
My monthly Best Buy bill for my robot love slaves.  Yeah, easy monthly payments that don’t start until July . . . but now I’m one payment in and both of them are already worn out, the pistons grind, and I skimped on the warranty plan and the add said $200 but that’s after four fucking rebates and I still can’t find the receipt to send in with the paperwork and goddamn it but I have to cut up my credit cards.  

2. What’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
I think sitting down with your date on the moon would be a romantic experience.  And not the regular-Neil-Armstrong moon, but sitting on the curve of a crescent moon (like Mac the Night used to do – remember him?) with a choir of dusky cherubs playing jazz.

3. Last time you Puked from Drinking?
When I unintentionally drank most of Torrie’s bottle of Hypnotic.  It’s an almost glowing blue color (like what I imagine Smurfs piss).  It tastes like blue going down.  It does not taste like blue coming up.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar?
Never have.  I did dance with a light poll in Peoria on my 21st birthday.  It threw me down.  Rejection.

5. What was the name of your first grade teacher?
I had three first grade teachers.  I don’t recall their names.  The first one threw our desks to the floor when they were messy, yelled at me when I spoke above a whisper, and, my Mom tells me I would come home saying “Mom . . . I’m a bad person.”  From here my Dad gave the principal a good yelling and they took me out of the Catholic school and into the public schools.  The teacher there was nice, but we soon moved into a new house and I changed schools again.  I can’t recall the third teacher at all.  The next year, I was in a fourth school because the bus routes changed.  I was chronically shy and socially impotent until almost the end of high school.  Please donate generously.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
I’d like to be sliding down a tarp in the middle of the night with drum music in my ear, rum in my belly, pirate hat on my head, and my friends all around me . . . and all that will happen on the 29th (BE THERE!).

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
First I wanted to be a paleontologist.  Then I wanted to study animals.  Then I wanted to be a writer.  Now I realize that if I ever grow up, I won’t be a very good writer, so I think I’ll skip out on that.

8.How many colleges did you attend before you settled on the one you graduated from?
Eureka was my only undergrad school.  UIS was my only grad school.  Slightly more stable of a schedule than 1st grade.

9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
Because it has a raven on it and because it says, “NEVERMORE.”  Nuff said.

10. Gas Prices! First Thought?
The noble dinosaurs did not sacrifice their lives so that we might pay these outrageous prices.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would you go and who?
I would go back in time and unite Edgar Allan Poe and Brandon Lee so that they could do battle . . . a spectacular array of kung-fu moves and brooding posses and verbal argument:









Then the fighting would stop.  They’d shake hands and reach an accord:





At that point, we’d start drinking absinthe and I’d ask them all of the questions I wanted to ask them . . .

12. First Thought When the alarm went off this morning?
 “Hmmm . . . it’s past morning and I don’t have an alarm.  The gremlins in my head must have awakened me.”

13. Last thought before Falling asleep last night?
 “Spooning a pillow offers absolutely NO satisfaction.”

14. Favorite style of Underwear?
Something with Spiderman.

15. Favorite style of Underwear for the opposite sex?
Those thongs that peek, just barely, past the pants line as if to wave at you and say, “Pst.  Over here.”

16. What Errand/Chore do you despise?
Moving.  I hate nuclear war, genocide, and moving.

17. If you didn’t have to work would you?
No!  I can fill my time thank you.

18. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in.  If I stay up late enough I can get a glimpse of the early morning.

19. Your Favorite Cartoon Character?
There’s so many!  I think I just had an aneurism trying to decide.  Nope . . . it was an erection.

20. Favorite NON sexual thing to do at night with a girl?
 Sex.  Oh wait . . .

21. A secret that you wouldn’t mind everyone knowing?
When I was a boy, I thought that the past, after a certain year, was all in black  and white.

22. What was your First Car?
An 11 B.C. Chrysler Lebaron.

23. Best ‘Your Mamma’ joke?
Your mama so fat . . . she smokes turkeys after sex.  Your mama so fat . . . after having sex with her, I rolled over twice . . . and I was still on her!

24. Your Favorite Lunch Meat?

25. What do you get everytime you go into a WAWA?
What in-Zues’s-jockstrap is a wawa?

26. Beach Or Lake?
Beach.  At night.

27. Do you think Marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20?
Alright survey, you’re starting to smother me.  I need my distance!

28. Who do you Stalk on myspace?

29. Favorite Guilty Pleasure?
Helen Keller jokes.  Don’t look at me like that.  I bet you know a few.

30. Favorite Movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
I proudly proclaim my movie choices.

31. What’s your drink?

32. Cowboys or Indians?

33. Cops or Robbers?

34. Do you cheer for the bad guy?

35. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best?
I don’t know, you tell me . . .



36. If you had to pick one which cast member of Lost would you be?
Gulp.  Never watched the show.  How embarrassing.

37. What do you want when you are sick?
To get better.  Duh!

38. Who from High School would you like to run into?
I have a list.  It’s on my walls.  I will find them.  Mwahahahahaaha!

39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
The one that picks up my MP3 player signal.

40. stiffler or oz?
What?  Is that a come-on?

42. Norm or Cliff?
No I will not make out with them!

43. The Cosby Show or The Simpsons?
The Simpsons

44. Worst Relationship Mistake that you wish you could take back?
The adult store has a no return policy . . .

45. Do you Like the Person who sits directly across from you at work?
I’m currently a dead beat [cough] unemployed.

46. If you could get away with it who would you kill?
Reality TV.  I’m convinced it exists as an anthropomorphic entity and I would stab a righteous blade through its putrescent heart.

47. What Famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Johnny Depp.  During dinner I would negotiate being signed on the charter of his pirate ship.  You know he has one!

48. What famous Person would you like to sleep with?
I’d say Angelina Jolie . . .but that’s too obvious, too easy.  How about Agent Scully?

49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Why yes I’ve bludgeoned a monkey to death with one.

50. Last book you read for real?
The Sandman Papers (a collection of academic papers written about my favorite literary comic book).

51. Do you have a teddy bear?
I have an official Audubon (sp?) Society crow stuffed animal (with authentic “Caw” sound when you squeeze it).  I just squeezed it.  It makes me happy.

52. Strangest Place you have ever brushed your teeth?
With a bottle of water, in Africa.

53. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?
A beat poet lounge in San Francisco.

54. Number of texts in a day?
Occasionally . . . 1.

55. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship?
How about we compromise with a fantastic new career with a hot female boss.

56. Do you go to church?
I did, once upon a time.  Now it’s a more scattered complex relationship.

57. Pencil or Pen?
Fountain pens baby!

58. Describe your favorite Day?
There are lots of favorite days . . . Slip ‘n Slide party is one of them (on the 29th, be there!  Yes . . . another shameful plug.).

59. How many jobs have you had?
4 . . . plus a few photography and magic gigs.

60. What would be your “dream job”?

Deep sleeper by day . . . writer/pirate by night.

61. What do you want to achieve in life?
I want to live on an island where everyone calls me Papa.  I want to run my finger down a spine with my name on it at Barnes & Noble.  I want to get on at least one banned book list.