Holiday updates . . . and with that, the final thrilling installment of the epic trilogy, STRANGE HOLIDAY CONVERSATIONS WITH MY MOM. In fact, I’ll repost the first two, followed by the new installment, so we can see the set of three together for the first time:
PART ONE: the frosting
Mom: [on the phone with my Dad] . . . yeah? You’re son is here, helping me frost Christmas cookies . . . [back to me now] He says that’s adorable.
Me: [I stop my frosting] Well tell him not to tell anyone. I have this creepy reputation to protect.
PART TWO: the birds and the bees
Me: What do you get a baby for Christmas?
Me: A baby. For Christmas?
Mom: What kind?
Me: . . . . . human.
Me: My Goddaughter.
Mom: Oh . . . OH . . . that baby. [laughing] I thought you were saying that you wanted a baby for Christmas and were asking about that.
Me: No. I dozed off in Health Class but I have a pretty good idea how to make one of those. I mean, we do have Animal Planet.
PART THREE: that ain’t no candlestick, Jack
Me: [rummaging through a large bowl of holiday cookies made by my mother . . . finally selecting one and pulling it out] Ah, the quintessential holiday symbol . . the Christmas Penis.
Mom: That cookie does not look like a penis! It’s a candlestick.
Me: I’m sure that’s what the cookie cutter looks like . . . but the final product is, well . . .
Mom: It looks like a candlestick.
Me: I don’t want to get graphic . . . but there’s a stick . . . and the flame at the tip looks like . . . well, something else . . . and the candle holder, forming two circles at the base, looks like . . . well, something else . . .
Mom: [looking to Genenda in the desperate hope that this is just a guy thing] Genenda, this doesn’t look like a penis to you, does it?
Genenda: Actually . . . that’s what I thought when I first saw them, I just didn’t want to be the one to say it . . .
Mom: I’m never making these cookies ever again!
Incidentally, if you’ve seen the movie Death to Smoochie, the cookies that Smoochie tries to pass off as rocket ships . . . yeah, they pretty much looked like those.
Christmas was fun. I won’t give a full list of my loot . . . but I have music again, in the form of an iPod and I finally made the switch to iTunes and discovered the free (that’s FREE) joy of the podcasts. I also got a few bits of Spiderman paraphernalia, a Marvel board game, and Nightmare Before Christmas mints.
Speaking of gifts . . . I’m in the middle of writing one . . . and it’s a bit late for Christmas, so I better go and finish it so I can send it off.